


except there was love here

by sevendeadlyfun



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2084328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevendeadlyfun/pseuds/sevendeadlyfun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><span></span><em>It starts when Rae walks in on him and Chloe lying on the bed. Nothing shifty happening, just holding hands and listening to Talking Heads. </em>Rae and Chloe trying to find a way forward together.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	except there was love here

**Author's Note:**

> Another addition to my Mad Fat (Queer) Diary series which also includes:  [ trembling way down inside](http://sevendeadlyfun.tumblr.com/post/87218533005/trembling-way-down-inside), [our separate unsteady ways,](http://sevendeadlyfun.tumblr.com/post/89866214335/our-separate-unsteady-ways)  [that's what i'm thinking of now ](http://sevendeadlyfun.tumblr.com/post/91250264035/thats-what-im-thinking-of-now),[ i want to write poems on your skin with my mouth](http://sevendeadlyfun.tumblr.com/post/91379381740/i-want-to-write-poems-on-your-skin-with-my-mouth), & [any courage is a fear](http://sevendeadlyfun.tumblr.com/post/91471640100/and-any-courage-is-a-fear). Thanks to thecrushingblack and chicadificil for their feedback when this story made absolutely no sense. I hope it makes more sense now. 
> 
> Title from the poem [A Myth of Devotion](http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/myth-devotion).

Somehow everyone ends up in their own corners again. Finn stands silently above his records, looking down but not really seeing the album in his hands, and he doesn’t know what the hell he can say to get them back to where they were an hour ago. Probably there’s nothing he can say because anything he might say has been said already and it didn’t do a fuck’s worth of good. 

So he’s standing with his back to the girls, staring blindly at the only other thing he’s ever loved worth a damn, biting the inside of his cheek and hoping the deadly quiet doesn’t turn explosive. Both of the women he loves have fearsome tempers when they’re riled. Neither of them seem inclined to break the silence, though so he thinks they might be okay.

He acknowledges that he thought they’d be okay an hour ago and now they’re here, so he might not be the best judge of these things.

It starts when Rae walks in on him and Chloe lying on the bed. Nothing shifty happening, just holding hands and listening to Talking Heads. Not really Chlo’s type of music, he knows, but he thinks that she don’t mind so much when they’re holding hands. He likes that she’ll listen to music on his say so, likes that she trusts him. 

After the last party, he’d slept in Rae’s bed with both the girls and woke up happily to a soft kiss on each check. Not that he wasn’t happy, he tells Rae frequently, ‘cause she worries about that a bit. But when Rae said she thought she might have some feelings for Chloe, he smiles and tells her he thinks that sounds good. Tells her about Archie and kissing and touching as lads, about how much he loves to be loved. Tells her there’s room in their love for Chloe. 

He thinks now he explained it wrong. To be fair, there was a lot of kissing involved in that explanation. He loves to kiss, loves to touch and to taste, and to just be connected to her. Probably just telling her that he’ll love her no less for loving others wasn’t good enough. 

“I was wrong,” Rae says into the heavy silence of the room. “I just - why would you want me when you have Chloe? I can’t understand it, Finn.”

He doesn’t turn around. There’s nothing to be gained by looking back and it’s just as likely someone will be making an angry face that’ll bottle up the words he knows he needs to get out. Better to keep his eyes on the music and just say what’s needing said.

He sighs. “Yeah, I know you don’t understand. But here’s the point of it, Rae - I do want you. And so does Chloe. Just ‘cause I love someone else don’t mean I’ve not got enough love for you, too.”

There’s no response and he didn’t expect one. He thinks it’s likely that she’ll never all the way believe how he feels for her. And there’s the real sticking point - the hurdle she can’t seem to leap. Nothing he can do about that, though. All he can do is love her and hope it’s enough.

Actually, he thinks, that’s not all he can do. Besides, this hoping for things to be better is shit. Turning around, he grabs his jacket off the floor and heads for the door. 

“It’s not me you need to talk too,” he tells her, staring back over his shoulder. “You need to talk to Chloe, all right?”

He shuts the door behind him, grateful for his Dad’s many business trips. His Dad wouldn’t mind him leaving the girls behind to wait, but leaving two girls to fight it out in earshot of his Dad seems...unwise. Not least because his Dad’s had no reason to ask him any questions about his love life and he’s not eager to have that change. 

Pausing at the foot of the stairs, he hears the creak of floorboards and figures one of the girls is moving to the other. Good. The sooner they work this out between them the better and not just because he has some very serious fantasies about them he’d like to see played out. That’s part of it, he admits, but mostly he just loves’em both and wants to be loved back without worrying that love is hurting one or both of them. He shuts the door behind a little harder than necessary so they hear it upstairs.

*~*~*

Laying shoulder to shoulder on Finn’s bed, the two girls stare up at the ceiling as if there’s meaning to be found in the spiderwebbed pattern of cracks. Rae wants to look over but she can’t quite turn her head. The little voice in the back of her head, The part of her that says no one will ever love her and that she’ll never be good enough for the love she longs for with every part of her heart, still has so much power.

Reaching out a fraction, Rae wraps her hand around Chloe’s restless one, stilling the frantic movement next to her. 

“Finn’s gone, “ she says and she knows as she says it, what she means is really something else. “I think we should - I mean, if you want to we could -”

“Yeah,” Chloe replies and Rae can feel the bed shift as she shrugs. “Sorry. I just - I want to talk to you but -”

“I know,” Rae interrupts, cutting her eyes to the side, trying to see Chloe without looking over. I need to tell you - and I just - I mean, I love you, Chloe. I do. And I love Finn.”

“I know you love Finn, “ Chloe responds softly. 

“And you.” Rolling on her side to look at Chloe, Rae can’t remember why she was so nervous before. This lovely girl is curled up in Finn’s bed like she’s trying to make herself small enough to disappear and it’s because she don’t feel loved. “I love you, Chloe. Fucking hell. You’re just so lovely and I’m - I’m not, Chlo.”

“But y’are, Rae.” Chloe’s eyes close and Rae feels a ridiculous urge to kiss the paper-thin skin of her eyelids. “I know why Finn loves you - why he chose you. You’re beautiful and -”

Her body shudders once, a quick shake that Rae thinks she might have missed if she wasn’t looking so closely. Rae knows that shake. It comes right before the tears you just can’t fight any longer. 

“Hey.” Rae reaches out to stroke the curve of Chloe’s shoulder, her own hand shaky. “Finn and I chose each other. And then - and then we chose you. Because we want you. I want you, Chloe.”

“You don’t, though.” Chloe pulls backwards, eyes wide and accusatory. “You don’t want me to touch you and you surely don’t want me to touch Finn. It’s like you want me to love you but you don’t want my love to touch you.”

Words won’t fix this. Finn always says he’s crap at words and that she got the better end of the stick with how she always knows the best thing to say. But Chloe’s had hundreds of words from people about how they love here and nothing to show for that but a broken heart. Words won’t fix this. 

She wraps her arm around Chloe, pretending not to notice how it keeps shaking against the curve of Chloe’s breast. Chloe looks back at her, not moving. She wants to talk, wants to fill the silence with all the words she knows, anything to keep from feeling like this right now. But words won’t fix this and so she waits. 

Staring down, Chloe’s tongue snakes out to lick her lower lip. Working yourself up to be brave is hard, Rae thinks, especially if you’re sure (sure, sure, sure) that all you’re gonna get for your trouble is hurt. But she’s a brave girl, Chloe is, and Rae smiles as Chloe’s arm slides across her back.

She tugs Chloe closer, remembering that night in Finn’s bed and the feel of Chloe pressed tight against her. Just like that night, she can feel Chloe’s hard nipples brushing against her own and sending sparks shooting down through her belly. Shifting, she presses closer and listens in delight to the quick hitch of Chloe’s breath.

She loves that her body can do that - make people hot and bothered, make them gasp, make them come. Never in a million years did she think that there’d be anyone, let alone two someones, who would want to touch her. But Chloe’s hands are roaming down the expanse of her back, little fluttering fingers brushing quickly against the hem of her shirt, and she leans down to capture Chloe’s lips with her own. 

Chloe’s lips are soft, softer than Finn’s, Rae thinks, and they yield under her own. This must be what Finn felt like, she thinks distantly, this waiting to see if the person you want will want you back. Suddenly Chloe’s other arm is around her neck, tugging at her hair, pulling her deeper into the kiss and Rae isn’t thinking much at all.


End file.
